Post Mortem
by Donna Dekaren
Summary: What if you read a letter from someone you loved and learned that they loved you in return, but only after it was too late to late to do anything about it? Spock received such a letter from Kirk. Rated M for strong sexual content and language.


Title: Port Mortem

Author: Donna DeKaren

Word Count: It's over 9000!

Universe/Series: ST XI Reboot

Rating: NC17

Genre: Romance, First Time, Angst, Drama

Tropes: Grief, Unrequited

Relationship Status: First Time

Warnings: Rated for strong sexual content and language.

Disclaimer: I don't own ST or its characters so please don't sue me. This is a work of fiction.

Summary: "You must be wondering what this is? Jim came into my office one day with this box. He told me under no circumstances should the box be opened until after his death. He told me h edid this for the just-in-case should something happen to him in the field. I told him that was downright creepy and morbid but he insisted that it had to be done. I forgot all about it honestly until now. Jim wrote letters to those close to him, you included. So here," He said shoving the box into Spock's hands. "This is for you."

* * *

><p><em>Why did this always happen on planets that were supposed to be uninhabited?<em> Jim thought as he pointed his phaser towards a group of alien humanoids with glowing weapons. He didn't know what kind of technology they used and he didn't want to stay a moment longer to find out. Still in a defensive stance, he looked over his shoulder towards Spock who was behind him.

"Look, I'll be okay! Just go! I won't be far behind. You have to get the injured aboard the ship before the ion storm hits. Otherwise our equipment will get scrambled and we're stuck here, Spock! I can't afford that!" Jim said.

"Captain, I am not leaving you behind." Spock said from behind him. An injured crewman was leaning on Spock for support that was holding his side to keep from bleeding any further.

The hostile natives continued their charge towards Jim and his away team. Lightning flashed in the sky signaling that the ion storm was fast approaching.

"Go! That's an order Commander! Get the injured back to the beam up point. I don't want anyone else getting hurt. We've already lost Finnegan. I'll stay here and hold their attention so you can escape." Jim replied.

Spock sighed inwardly and nodded. Holding the injured crewman and checking that the rest of the away team followed, they started towards the beam up point. Once there, Spock sent the order to Scotty on his communication device to proceed. In the distance he could see the natives closing in on his Captain. Spock watched as the planet dissolved before his eyes, fearing the worst. Doctor McCoy met the team in the transporter room.

"Where's Jim!" He asked as soon as the team materialized.

Spock didn't answer right away because he was busy helping the injured off the transporter pad. "Doctor, they require immediate medical attention."

"I can see that." McCoy said and called some nurses. With the help of the nurses, McCoy took all of the injured to sick bay. McCoy was so busy taking care of the patients that he didn't get a chance to question Spock on Jim's whereabouts. Finally, McCoy got a break when he was relieved for the changing of shifts. _Jim should have checked in by now_, he thought. Wondering where he was, he asked the computer to locate him. When the computer failed to do so, he asked for it to locate Spock instead. Spock's location was in the transporter room which made McCoy suspicious and curious as to what was going on. He went to the transporter room and saw Spock and Scotty huddled over the console.

"What the hell is going on here! Where's Jim!" McCoy demanded. Spock looked up from the console.

"He's currently still on planet, Doctor. Unfortunately, we've been unable to beam him back. We are having difficulty locating him with our equipment. I suspect this is a result of the ion storm." Spock replied.

"Why did you leave him there in the first place!" Yelled McCoy.

"We were being approached by hostile natives…"Spock began but got cut off.

"You dirty son of a bitch!" McCoy exclaimed and stormed towards the console. "You left him there with hostile natives and can't beam him back up!"

"I was ordered to…" Spock began but got cut off again.

"The hell with your orders! You should have made him come with you. I can't believe you left him there you heartless hobgoblin. Always thinking about yourself!"

"Doctor, McCoy, please vacate the premises at once. Unless you have some way to contribute in bringing back the Captain, your presence is not needed." The tone in Spock's voice was absolute and no doubt, was an order.

McCoy balled his hands into fists and exited the room.

* * *

><p><strong>-Sorrow-<strong>

McCoy sat in his office, drink in hand as he tried to calm down. He wanted to yell, cry and throw anything within reach. Jim not being there physically and his lifesigns not showing up on McCoy's scanner made McCoy all the more anxious and worried. Jim could be dead or he could be alive and the equipment was just messed up from the storm. There was no way for him to tell and the hobgoblin was being tight lipped. So lost was he in his thoughts that he didn't notice when Spock entered his office. When McCoy finally noticed, he bolted out of his chair. Spock stood impassive as always.

"This is all your fault! He could damn well be dead all because you didn't help him!" McCoy said, rounding his desk and towards Spock. Call it temporary insanity, call you what you will but that's what made McCoy throw a punch right to Spock's face. Spock was not prepared for the onslaught of grief and anger that came off of McCoy when his skin came in contact with his face. Spock stumbled backwards and McCoy wailed on him, sending punch after punch to his body. Hearing the scuffle, Chapel ran towards the office yelling at McCoy to stop attacking Spock. It took three security officers to pull McCoy off of Spock whose face was now bloodied despite blocking many of the blows. The officers held the snarling McCoy while awaiting orders from their Captain, Spock. Spock stood up as if nothing happened and straightened his uniform.

"You will be confined to your quarters until further notice, Doctor." Spock said without even looking at McCoy and left the office. McCoy shrugged out of the officers grasp when Spock left the office.

"I can escort myself goddamit!" McCoy said glaring at the officers.

They stared at the Doctor and followed behind him in case he got out of hand. Once the door shut to his quarters, he fell to his knees and cried. The days dragged on and on the third day he was released from room confinement. The whole ship's atmosphere changed. There were fewer smiles on people's faces. No one wanted to joke or even laugh. Everyone seemed to be moving about as if on autopilot. During the days of McCoy's room confinement, teams were sent to search for the Captain after the ion storm. Each team came back empty handed and full of reports about how the natives attacked them unprovoked. Many filled sick back due to distinct injuries caused by the natives alien technology which meant that the ship and Captain Spock couldn't afford to confine McCoy any longer. The data on Jim's lifesign monitor remained the same on McCoy's scanner, blank, even after the ion storm had passed. The equipment was still either damaged on their end or Jims and McCoy had no way to tell. After searching for Jim for weeks, he was presumed dead and Spock sent out the official word.

At times, McCoy found himself waiting for Jim to come barging into sick bay, grin on his face like he always had after a joke had been played. Each day he would wait. Each day he'd grieve a bit more and each day, he felt empty. Life on the ship went on. McCoy was occupied checking some read outs when Spock entered sickbay.

"Doctor," Spock said, standing next to McCoy with his hands behind his back. "I'm here to inform you that we will be arriving to Earth in 7.5 days for Captain Kirk's funeral. Although it's not normal protocol to return to Earth for such a thing, Starfleet granted Admiral Pike's request."

McCoy pretended not to hear and kept his attention on his read outs. He heard the door swoosh open and close as Spock left. McCoy gritted his teeth and slammed his fist onto a nearby table startling a nurse nearby.

* * *

><p><strong>-Grief-<strong>

James Tiberius Kirk, the hero of Earth would have been in awe at his own funeral. The turnout was immense with everyone there to pay their respects. As Pike gave the eulogy, McCoy stared at the closed empty coffin. The sight of the empty coffin and the sight of Spock, looking like he didn't give a damn made McCoy angry. McCoy walked far away from the funeral proceedings and found a bench in the cemetery to sit on. The silence was broken by the sound of approaching footsteps from behind. McCoy knew exactly who it was so he didn't bother looking at them. He stared at the ground and didn't turn to Spock when he spoke.

"You never liked him did you? You always hated him." McCoy said in a voice so low, it was almost a whisper.

Spock stood with his hands behind his back, looking up at a cloudy sky. "That is not true, Doctor." He replied.

"Bullshit! You hated him and you know it! Everyone knows it!" McCoy replied back, anger evident in his voice.

"I am sorry for your loss. I have also lost a close friend in Jim. Starfleet also has lost a great Captain. I understand and I grieve with thee." Spock spoke. When it was clear that McCoy wasn't going to talk or even reply to him, he turned and walked away from McCoy on the bench.

**-Spock-**

Spock leaned against a secluded tree in the cemetery and balled his hands into fists. A single solitary sigh escape his lips and he leaned his head back against the tree trunk. He closed his coat tighter around him to shelter from the cold. Why did everyone believe that he hated his Captain? Sure they got into their fair share of fights over the years but over time, the fights become close to nonexistent. If anything, the only time they disagreed on anything was during trivial debates in Spock's quarters over chess.

_Chess,_ Spock thought. Chess was a fond memory. Spock and his Captain would get together almost every night to play chess. He would never admit it to anyone but he always looked forward to those nights and got disappointed when they had to cancel. Jim was a brilliant strategist and excellent conversationalist, all of which came out during their many games.

A mental image of Jim appeared in Spock's mind, those blue eyes wide with his "up to no good" grin on his face. Spock looked down at his feet, seeing but not seeing all at the same time. Jim's eyes, he was going to miss Jim's beautiful blue eyes. He was going to miss how they would water and how they would crinkle on each side when Jim burst into laughter at Spock inadvertently making a joke. Picturing Jim laughing made Spock think about Jim's smile. He never really realized until now how he loved his Captain's smile. He especially loved it when it was aimed at him full force. Spock had a problem telling Jim no. That kilowatt smile would light up Jim's face when Spock gave in and allowed him to do something.

Ninety-nine percent of the time, Jim and Spock were always in sync. Jim could give him a look and Spock would know exactly what he was thinking and what he wanted him to do. Jim often knew what Spock would say before he said it in various situations.

"Yeah, yeah I know Spock. It's illogical and the odds of it working are 0.0075% but don't you see how awesome this is!" Jim would say excitedly as Spock was in the process of opening his mouth to protest.

They finished each other's sentences. Sometimes talking wasn't even necessary between the two. It was almost as if...almost as if they were bonded. _Bonded._ The word stuck out in Spock's mind. To say he hadn't entertained the thought of him and Jim bonded would be a lie and Vulcan's don't lie. He knew that Jim only saw him as a friend. All those frequent unnecessary touches were only done out of friendship. Spock was sure of it. The smile that always greeted him when he walked into a room was only Jim being friendly. Jim constantly checking into sickbay and refusing sleep whenever Spock was injured was merely friendship and a concerned Captain for his First Officer.

After the relationship with Nyota Uhura ended, Jim's company with Spock increased by 75%. This was all done just to comfort a friend. _A friend._ Spock didn't like that word where Jim Kirk was concerned. He wanted more than just a mere friendship with his Captain. This was something he would never tell his Captain and now that he's dead, wouldn't be able to anyway. Nor would he ever tell his Captain the lewd thoughts he had about him. On many occasions he would wonder what it would be like to kiss Jim's lips, to have those lips wander all over his body, licking, nipping, and sucking. Spock gritted his teeth in frustration. His Captain, his friend was now dead and here he was having _those_ kind of thoughts at his funeral. This was unacceptable behavior and Spock made sure he would meditate extra long to get his thoughts and emotions under control.

Spock didn't look forward to returning to the ship after the few days leave he was granted for the funeral. The ship felt so empty now that Jim was gone and less bright without Jim's illuminating smile. The Captain's chair felt so foreign, so uncomfortable that Spock didn't want to sit in it. Leaving the chair empty would only remind everyone of the loss of Jim and effect crew morale, so he sat in it anyway and carried on with his duties.

So many things reminded Spock of Jim and all those things brought him grief he never showed. On numerous nights like tonight, Spock would find himself staring at the chess board that always sat out in his quarters. He stared at the unfinished game, the game that will forever be incomplete now that Jim wasn't around. Spock took a box and was in the process of putting all the chess pieces away when there was a knock on the door to his quarters.

"Enter." He called and turned to see who it was. It was Dr. McCoy holding a wooden box. Spock was good at reading people but during this instance, he could not read the doctor. McCoy walked over to his new Captain and opened the box. Inside was an envelope with Spock's name on it.

"I don't know why he bothered but the last one is for you." McCoy said. Spock stood in place puzzled even though he didn't show it. McCoy continued to explain. "You must be wondering what this is? Jim came into my office one day with this box. He told me under no circumstances should the box be opened until after his death. He told me he did this for the just-in-case should something happen to him in the field. I told him that was downright creepy and morbid but he insisted that it had to be done. I forgot all about it honestly until now. Jim wrote letters to those close to him, you included. So here," He said shoving the box into Spock's hands. "This is for you. I'll leave you alone. Goodnight."

Spock stood with the box in his hands unmoving long after McCoy had left. Jim cared about him, enough to write him a letter at least. Spock sat the box on a table and walked away. He couldn't face what could possibly be in the letter, not now anyway. It was too soon, still too soon after Jim's death. Days passed where Spock would glance at the box and make no attempt to open it. After two weeks, he finally sat down and read the handwritten letter addressed to him.

_Dear Spock,_

_Out of all the letters I wrote, this one is the hardest for me to write. It's not that I didn't know what to write or that there is nothing to write. It's just that I have so much to say to you. I don't know where to begin to be honest. When I first saw you at the Kobayashi Maru trial, I thought you were the most beautiful man I had ever seen. Yeah, I know beautiful is considered a girly word but there is no way to accurately describe how taken a back I was when I first saw you. You struck me even though you turned out to be a total ass hole with that jab about my Dad. Despite that, I couldn't stop thinking about you. I didn't expect to see you stationed on Pike's ship._

_You argued with me, fought with me, marooned me on Delta Vega and I was pretty upset about it all; but a lot had changed since then and now. I'm really sorry about what I said about your Mom that day on the ship when I came back from Delta Vega. You know I didn't mean it. Honestly, I didn't mean it. It was a jerk move but it had to be done in order to emotionally compromise you and have you step down from your position as Captain. I can never say enough on how sorry I am Spock._

_It amazes me how far we've come given our rocky beginning. You've become invaluable to the ship and to me. You're the best First Officer anyone could have and I wouldn't trade you for the world. You've always been there for me and had my back. You've always been there to get me out of trouble. Aside from Bones, there hasn't been anyone I felt that I could really connect with until you. Your friendship is so precious to me. I don't know what I'd do without you._

_Even though I'll never see your reaction when you read this, I'm still scared thinking about how you'd react. What I'm trying to say is, somewhere through it all the missions, all the arguing, all the chess games and time together, I fell in love with you. I love you Spock. I'm in love with you. You're in my thoughts all the time. As bad as it is to admit this, I was happy when you and Nyota broke up. It was selfish, I know. I was happy because it meant that I could spend more time with you._

_My heart sped up every time you would enter a room. I made constant excuses just to touch you and spend time with you. I'm a pretty good fighter so those constant sparring lessons were completely unnecessary. It was just an excuse to touch you and be near you. I lost so many fights due to being distracted from you touching me. I loved that intense look you got in your eyes when we spar. I've imagined you with that exact look and wondered if it would be that intense while we were making love. You would call me a horrible friend for thinking about you like that and for that, for wishing that you were mine and I'm sorry. You've always been physically and sexually attractive to me. I never wanted to lose your friendship so I just never told you how I really felt about you until now. I hope that doesn't make you think ill of me._

_I hope you're okay. I know you'll be a great Captain. And take it easy on Bones. I know how you guys are. With me not being there, I'm sure one of you will kill the other. Don't. I'm not eager to see either of my best friends that soon. I don't know what else to say so I'll end it here. I love you Spock. Always have and always will. Take care of yourself and Bones._

_Love,_

_Jim_

Spock's hands were trembling by the time he finished Jim's letter. Even through death, Jim had found a way to elicit an emotional response out of him. If he had any idea how Jim truly felt about him, he would have told Jim that the feeling was mutual. He would have told Jim long ago that he loved him as well. Now, Jim will never know. Now he'll never get that chance. Part of him wished he never read the letter. The least he could do was honor Jim's wishes and take it easy on McCoy and that's what he did.

* * *

><p><strong>-Jim-<strong>

Jim was constantly hiding and on the run from the planet's hostile natives. He slept in caves, up trees, under rocks and under bushes just to stay hidden. He lived off the land which was very little due to him not reading up on the planet extensively before they beamed down.

Jim was certain his friends would come for him. He imagined he'd only be on the planet a week tops. Every day he would turn on his communicator and try to send some kind of signal, hoping someone would pick it up. He would wait and wait, but no one came and no one tried to reach him. They had abandoned him, he knew it. Jim's emotions went from anger, to hurt, to sadness and eventually he grew numb. _Who needed them anyway?_ He thought.

Jim's hair was long as well as his beard and nails. His clothes hung off his body due to losing so much weight. Every day he would send a signal with his communicator and every day he'd get nothing. The frequent ion storms on the planet didn't help either. It seemed as if every other day there was an ion storm and another day his equipment would fail him.

When Jim slept, he dreamed of the ship and the friends that abandoned him. He would have frequent hallucinations about Spock coming to rescue him, of Spock wrapping his arms around him and taking him back. For a long time Jim cried. He'd cry at the thought of his friends giving up on him, cry at knowing no one was going to save him and that he'd die on some planet all alone. The tears eventually stopped and bitterness took over. Then the bitterness ran out until there was nothing left. Jim just felt empty. Weeks ago, he used to wait for his rescue and now, he waited for death. Sometimes he actually hoped the natives would catch him. He didn't make much effort to hide anymore. Jim looked at his dirty communicator lying in the dirt and kicked the useless device away as he chewed on some local plants.

* * *

><p><strong>-Resurrection-<strong>

After another long day in sickbay, McCoy sat down to enjoy a drink in the privacy of his office and to whine down. He kept some of Jim's personal things in his office for memories sake and because they comforted him. McCoy took a sip of his drink and then closed his eyes, leaning his head against the back of his high office chair. He heard a beep and ignored it, figuring it was his communicator. He heard it again and sighed as he opened his eyes, wondering who wanted him when he was finally off his shift. Whoever it was should be contacting the relief and not him because he wasn't on duty anymore. He checked his pockets and then his desk. He was pretty sure he heard the damned thing go off but where was it? He heard the beep again. McCoy didn't know why he did it really, knowing it couldn't be possible, but he went to Jim's spare communicator that he kept on his shelf. While looking at it, not expecting anything, it beeped in his hands. His heart stopped, time stopped, everything stopped. The communicator fell out of McCoy's hands and to the floor with a clack.

Captain Spock was in the lab analyzing some data he obtained from some samples he got from the last mission. His shift had ended long ago but he still worked long hours. Working kept his mind busy and that's what he wanted. Working kept the grief at bay. Spock was reading some data PADDs when the Doctor burst through the door of the lab. He ran to Spock, eyes wide with his hand waving wildly. Spock stood from his seat, eyes rapidly scanning the Doctor as the Doctor stopped in front of him out of breath. McCoy waved the communicator in front of Spock as if it would tell him something. Wondering what this was about, he addressed the Doctor. McCoy's eyes narrowed but only for a moment because the communicator beeped again.

"He's alive! He's alive!" McCoy shouted.

Spock hoped McCoy was talking about Jim. He really hoped but squished the nonsensical, illogical idea out of his mind. "Doctor, I am sorry but I fail to see who you are talking about." Spock said calmly.

"Jim goddamt! Jim's alive! He has to be! Why else would this communicator is going off? It's linked to Jim's. It's trying to tell us that he's alive!"

With shaky fingers McCoy handed the communicator to Spock. Spock looked at it with a neutral expression but in reality he was suspicious. All thoughts and analysis stopped in his mind when it beeped in his hands. Before McCoy could ask what he thought, Spock was power walking out of the room. McCoy had to run just to catch up with him. Down in engineering, Spock tossed the communicator to Scotty and Scotty looked down at it confused.

"Mr. Scott, find the origin of this signal's location and any other information you can about it." Spock ordered.

"Aye, Captain!" Scotty replied and quickly began working.

The time spent waiting on Scotty's analysis could best be described as hell. It seemed as if Spock was on a rampage. Everyone stayed out of his way as he stormed the corridors issuing orders. If looks could kill, 75% of the ship would have been dead. Immediate results was not fast enough when it came to Spock and with as many words as possible, he would let it be known that one wasn't fast enough. He was in the middle of hassling one officer, 'improving their efficiency' according to Spock, when Scotty pulled him aside.

"Captain, the signal is coming from the planet Delphy V. In the last 3 months, the signal has gone out 1,230 times. The only way possible for it to be picked up by the ship is if someone had a communicator linked with this ship's frequency. Maybe someone found it by accident or-" Scotty was cut off by Spock comming Sulu.

"Lieutenant Sulu, we're redirecting the ship. Plot a course to Delphy V, maximum warp." He ordered once again. Spock waited for the 'yes sir' before speaking again. "How long will it take for us to reach our destination?" He asked.

"We'll be there in an hour and 30 minutes, Captain." Sulu replied.

In less than an hour, Spock and a heavily armed security team appeared in the transporter room in full combat gear. The black pants tucked into Spock's black boots, black long sleeved shirt he was wearing with a phaser proof vest over it, headset, and extra artillery made the Vulcan look a thousand times more intimidating than he already was. McCoy had no problem walking up to the fearful looking Vulcan.

"You know, with all the fuss you're making over this, one would actually think you cared about Jim."

"There is no data to support that the one who used the device to signal the ship was in fact Jim. I am merely taking safety precautions since our previous beam downs were unfavorable to the team." Spock said, took his place on the transporter pad and nodded at Scotty.

"Don't come back unless you have him." McCoy demanded.

In Spock's mind, he said "I don't intend to." He looked at Scotty one more time. "Energize." He said and the combat team dissolved from the transporter room.

* * *

><p><strong>-Discovery-<strong>

It was nightfall on the planet when the team beamed down. Spock in the lead, radar device in hand, the team followed him into the darkness. He led the team through thick vegetation keeping an eye out for any natives and hostile wildlife. While tracking a dot on the radar, Spock heard a scream from behind and stopped. As soon as he turned, another member of his team was hit by a glowing projectile. Spock issued the order to return fire and take cover. The team found refuge in a nearby cave. Two members guarded the door while Spock checked the injured. Once he got a free moment, he looked at the radar again. According to the readings, they were directly on top of where they needed to be.

"Stay here and guard the entrance while I scan the cave." Spock commanded and then journeyed deeper into the cave. Spock squint his eyes, the only light being the glow of the radar to guide his way. He stopped where the dot was blinking most rapidly and looked around. Maybe he really was on a wild goose chase for he didn't see anything that looked like Jim or a starship device. Spock was about to turn around and go back towards the cave entrance when heard a whisper and clapping.

"Death, you're here. Very funny of you, taking the form of Spock. I didn't know you had a sense of humor. Where's the long black robe and scythe? You didn't have to take the form of the guy I love just for me to come with you. My own damned friends abandoned me. They aren't coming for me. No one is coming for me, except for you. I just wish you came here sooner. I'm ready. You can have me." Jim whispered in a raspy voice. Spock slowly went over and gathered his broken friend into his arms. Jim did not protest. Spock spoke into his headset as him and his team made it out of the cave. Once out of the cave and no natives in sight, he hailed Scotty for the beam up.

When the team materialized on the transporter pad, McCoy fell to his knees and cried at the sight of Jim. Spock looked at the frail form in his hands for the first time in the bright light and it took much of his control to keep his face neutral. Gone was the Jim Kirk they all knew. Instead, in his arms was a stranger. Jim's gold shirt and black pants barely had anything to cling to in order to stay on. Jim was bone thin and his head looked too big for his body. Jim's eyes, the eyes Spock loved so much were red and dim and not the brilliant blue he was so used to. Jim looked fragile in Spock's arms. Spock held him close, afraid that if he let go, Jim would break and dissolve. Spock stepped off the transporter pad and carried Jim personally to sickbay.

Chapel was on standby and sprung into action as soon as Spock came in. Spock laid Jim down on a biobed and stepped away as Chapel proceeded to hook him up to various medical equipment. McCoy came in minutes later ushering Chapel out of the way so that he could tend to his friend personally. McCoy administered various hypos to Jim's neck and then covered him with a blanket. All Spock could do was watch. Spock wanted to touch him, kiss him, and let Jim know that Spock was real but McCoy was hovering over Jim's body like a hawk. The only thing left for Spock to do was to wait, wait until his friend, his Captain and maybe lover to recover his health. Spock left sickbay not looking forward to the amount of paperwork this was going to bring in reporting everything to Pike.

Having their Captain back caused such a stir that McCoy had to ban many of the crew from sickbay. Only the sick, injured or dying were allowed in. McCoy had even banned Spock who was not too pleased about it. Daily, McCoy had to clean up the cards and handmade gifts crewmen left outside Jim's sectioned off area. He grumbled, letting the pile in his hands fall onto Jim's lap.

"All this mess is your fault. You're crowding up my sickbay." McCoy protested but his voice was cheerful.

Jim smiled, which didn't hurt as much as it used to when he first tried days ago. "Well it's not every day a Captain returns from the dead. I'm pretty awesome like that."

McCoy shook his head. "More like a zombie." He said.

"Oh come on! I'm not gaining weight as fast as I would like but I'm filling out. I don't look like a corpse anymore."

At the word 'corpse' McCoy winced. The smile faded from Jim's face. "It was that bad huh?" He asked.

"You have no idea kid. We looked for you non-stop. I didn't want to stop but it had been weeks and we couldn't find you. Spock declared you dead and everything. Spock grew even more intolerable after everyone thought you were dead. Hell, when we found out that you could be alive, well, I've just never seen Spock like that before. I'm glad you're back. We all are." McCoy expressed and looked down at his feet. Silence fell as each of them became lost in their own thoughts. McCoy looked up and cleared this throat. "Thank You, Jim."

"What for?" Jim asked curiously. McCoy sighed, ushered Jim to move over and sat on the biobed facing him.

"Kid, you're like a brother to me. Ever since I joined Starfleet, you were there for me. Even when I had nothing left but my bones."

"Yeah, you said you were going to throw up on me the first time we met."

"Dammit kid, shut up! I'm trying to have a heart to heart here." Jim smirked when McCoy yelled at him but stopped talking. At that McCoy continued. "Anyway what I'm saying is, well, what I'm saying is that you're my best friend too. I love you too despite you being an idiot all the damned time." Jim grinned. "You didn't have to wait to tell me in some damned letter." McCoy finished.

"What letter?" Jim asked now confused as to what his best friend was talking about.

McCoy gestured wildly to his office. "Those morbid damned letters in that box you told me not to open unless you died you idiot."

The color slowly drained from Jim's face. "And you handed all of them out? Including Spock's?"

"I didn't have a reason not to. You had made such a big deal out of it. Why?" McCoy crossed his arms. "Did you say something to offend the hobgoblin?" He asked.

"No...well, yeah...maybe...probably. Oh God." Jim said and covered his eyes with his hand.

McCoy shook his head and stood up, his face serious. "He'll have to go through me. I won't let him hurt you."

"Thanks Bones, you're the best but it's not that serious. It was just some embarrassing heart to heart stuff. On that note, would you mind if I say here for a little bit longer? I'm not ready to face him just yet."

"The sooner you get out of here, the better. I'm tired of collecting your goddamn fan mail." McCoy grumbled, looking at the pile on Jim's lap.

"You jealous?" Jim asked, a full on smirk coming back to his face.

"Very." McCoy said sarcastically. "Two days tops. After that, I want your skinny ass out of here."

"Jealous." Jim replied as McCoy started walking away.

"Idiot." McCoy answered over his shoulder as he left Jim with his fan mail.

In two days he'll have to face Spock. Jim took a deep breath and groaned. Much to Jim's annoyance, two days flew by quickly. Rest assured, McCoy was there to push Jim right out of sickbay even if it was in secret during skeleton shift. Jim arrived to his quarters and stopped at the door taking a deep breath. He wondered, since they thought him dead, did they get rid of all his stuff? Did they trash it? Was his quarters turned into another room? Was someone else staying in there? So many questions ran through Jim's mind as he stared at the door.

Bracing himself, he raised his hand and entered in his personal access code. The panel blinked and said 'Access Denied.' In his mind he thought that Spock or McCoy probably changed the code. He thought about which numbers Spock would use and entered them into the panel. Five tries later, he stood outside the door with no luck. Growing annoyed, Jim pressed in a sequence of numbers McCoy would most likely to use. Third try, like a charm as they say, and the door opened. The code was the date of the first time they met at Starfleet.

Jim was charmed by that. He really was. It made him smile as he stepped inside, thinking of how much of a softy his best friend was. Jim stood in front of the doorway, amazed at what he saw in the room. All of his stuff was still there. Nothing seemed to be out of place. The only difference was the piles of 'fan mail' and gifts spread throughout the room. It warmed him inside to know that many people cared about him.

Jim read some cards as he cleaned and moved piles of gifts. Tears came to his eyes quite a few times as he moved large quantities of teddy bears to one spot in the room. The bed had the biggest pile of gifts on top of it. Any bed was better than the biobeds in sickbay so he was eager to return to his own, thus, everything on his bed was cleared off of it in record time. Crossing his arms, he surveyed the newly organized and clean room. Distracted by a thought, he made his way to the office section of his room and turned on the computer and began to type.

What he was doing was normal. _Anyone would do it right? Who wouldn't want to see who was at their own funeral?_ Jim thought. He found video footage of his funeral pretty easily and pressed play. The turnout was huge. Huge wasn't even an adequate word to describe it. Monumental was more like it. Everyone he'd ever known and hardly knew attended to pay their respects. He saw one night stands, people he didn't recognize, diplomats he'd met during missions, friends, family, all of the Enterprise crew and Starfleet officials. In front where the friends and family usually were, closest to the casket, he could make out all his senior officers and his mother. His heart went out to her and he felt all the more worse. She was crying as someone held her. No mother ever wants to outlive their children yet, there she was, the one who out lived her kids and even her own husband.

Jim touched the screen, wishing he could comfort her, wishing he could take the memory of his death away from her and everyone else. He wondered how he could undo this mess and take it back as if it never happened. Jim's thoughts were broken when Admiral Pike came to stand behind a podium. During the middle of Pike's tearful speech, Jim couldn't take hearing any more and turned it off. He had made a big mistake. He shouldn't have let curiosity get the best of him and try to watch his own funeral. It just hurt too much. Jim got up and staggered to his bed where he plopped down. Sleep, he just wanted to sleep and not think of the funeral or anything about this "death" anymore.

* * *

><p><strong>-Awakening-<strong>

The next day went by slowly but Jim was okay with that. He wasn't ready to jump right into things anyway. How McCoy managed to sneak around the ship and deliver his meals without any of the crew catching on was a mystery to him.

"Did you talk to him yet?" McCoy asked, sitting on the couch in Jim's quarters as he watched Jim eat. Jim knew right away who he was talking about and shook his head.

"No, not yet but I will. I want to talk to Pike first." Jim said taking a fork full of food.

McCoy stood up and walked over to his friend. He laid a warm hand upon his shoulder and said, "You'll be alright kid."

Jim touched the hand affectionately, thinking he didn't deserve such a great friend and said, "I will."

McCoy's hand lingered a bit longer before he left. Once Jim disposed of his meal and cleaned up, he sat in his desk chair and sent a video call to Pike. Jim didn't have time to be nervous because Pike showed up immediately on the screen once the call went through. They stared at each other for a long while, not knowing what to say. Jim looked up to Pike. Jim saw him as his mentor. He loved him just like a father and now he knew, without a doubt, that Pike loved him back just as a son. Jim got teary eyed but refused to cry. He had cried so much already and didn't want to cry anymore. Jim wiped his eyes and nodded towards Pike."Hey."

Pike leaned back into his chair and sighed. He leaned forward and gazed at the screen that showed Jim's face.

"Do you have any idea how hard it is to bring a person back from the dead! I'm up to my neck in paper work thanks to you. Then there's press. I don't even know WHAT I'm going to do about them. Plus there's that fact that your memorial-"

"Wait," Jim interrupted. "I have a memorial?" He said in shock and disbelief. Ignoring the question, Pike went on as if he hadn't been interrupted.

"You were buried with all honors and promoted. I don't even know what the hell Starfleet is going to do about that. If I had my way, I'd bump your ass back down to Captain. Starfleet probably will so don't let anything go to your head."

"Well, gee, thanks Pops." Jim said and grinned.

Pike's eyebrow arched high upon his face. "Pops? If you were my kid, you wouldn't be so damned reckless. I stand by what I said back then, Starfleet needs more men like you. I'm glad you're back, Jim." Pike said sincerely. "Just take it easy for a while. I'll do what I can to fix this whole debacle all right?"

"Thanks." Was all Jim could say. Silence fell between the two once more. Then Jim cleared his throat. "I love you, Christopher. I mean it. You've been like a father to me. I just…I just wanted to let you know with my second chance and all."

"I know. I love you too. Just don't let it happen again." Pike replied.

"You're not gonna start getting weird on me are ya?" Jim asked with a smirk.

Pike smiled back and the screen went black, signifying that they were disconnected from the video call. Weird was a good word to describe people's reactions to their formerly deceased Captain. McCoy was being super affectionate and hovering over Jim to the point where Jim had to avoid him. Jim could understand the reasoning for his actions. What if someone Jim loved had died suddenly? He would regret having them not know how he felt and never being able to tell them. If something like that happened to him and he got a second chance, and he would be acting just like McCoy.

The only person that didn't seem to change was Spock. That was probably because Jim was avoiding Spock as much as possible, so he really couldn't tell. Jim wondered what Spock thought of him. He wondered what would Spock say and if he would say anything at all? Thinking "_there is no time like the present"_, Jim grabbed a towel and went into the bathroom he shared with Spock. If he was going to face Spock, he wanted to at least be showered and not look like shit. Jim stepped inside the shower, turned on the hot water and let it cascade down his skin. He closed his eyes and sighed, feeling the warmth of the water as steam built all around him. He leaned his head against the tiled shower wall and ran scenarios through his mind on how to approach Spock.

* * *

><p><strong>-Collision-<strong>

Spock thought about going to the lab to do some work but decided against it at the last minute. Instead he went to his quarters with his goal set on meditation. Inside the room, he went to check his personal computer for messages. He told McCoy to notify him immediately when Jim was out of sickbay and able to be seen. Spock scrolled through his messages and saw that none of them were from McCoy. If Spock were human, he'd say that he felt disappointed.

Since Jim came back, everyone that wasn't his doctor or needed to be treated was banned from sickbay. Spock even contemplated on purposely getting injured just so he could get inside. He didn't like how obsessive and impatient he was getting to hear news about Jim's recovery. Everyone figured Spock was on edge by his more critical than usual replies and avoided him unless it was completely necessary.

Meditating seemed to be the only logical solution. Not only would it pass the time but help him to achieve inner peace during this hectic time. Spock pulled his chair away from the desk and prepared to remove his boots. His hand stopped abruptly at the zipper of his boot. Not daring to move, he froze in place like a deer caught in some headlights. Unmistakably, he knew he heard the sound of running water from the bathroom. McCoy made sure no one had authorized access to Jim's quarters but him. Considering that McCoy had his own room with a water shower, thanks to Jim, there was no reason for him to take a shower in the shared bathroom that belonged to Commander and Captain. This could only mean one thing, it had to be Jim.

Spock's heart quickened as he bolted from his chair, knocking it over in the process. He moved to the bathroom as fast as his legs could carry him. The door whooshing open seemed to be the longest seconds of his life because it didn't open fast enough. Heart still beating wildly, Spock stepped inside and stood in place. The form in the shower was undeniable even through the heavy steam and privacy screen. In that moment, nothing else mattered in Spock's world but getting to Jim.

Everything happened so fast that Jim's mind didn't have time to process what was happening. He was rushed by something or someone, he couldn't tell. Someone stronger than him was on him, pressing against him, holding and squeezing him tightly. This unknown stranger, fully clothed, male stranger was hotter than anyone Jim had ever felt. Whoever it was breathed heavily against Jim's body as if catching his breath. The body eased off and moved away slightly, giving just enough space for Jim to turn around.

Jim could not believe his eyes and took in the form in front of him. A science blue uniform top hugged the man's body like a second skin to outline a toned athletic chest. Black pants clung against toned legs and water splashed off the man's black boots before it washed down the drain. After a longer than necessary survey the body, Jim finally focused on the man's face. Wet hair covered the eye brows but the eyes under it were familiar. It was as if the man's brown eyes were burning and Jim could see the flames within.

"Jim." Spock whispered, his chest raising and falling with his hard breathing.

"Spock." Jim whispered back and yelped as he was being rushed again. Spock's hands were all over, tracing Jim's wet skin. Kisses, licks and nips followed every place Spock touched. When Spock reached Jim's lips, he kissed him as though he was taking Jim's very soul through his mouth. The kiss turned sloppy with need and urgency. Jim tasted the tang of blood and realized it wasn't his own. He licked the blood from Spock's lips as the unrelenting kiss continued on. Jim wanted Spock inside of him. He wanted every part of Spock inside of him from his blood, his tongue, his cock, and anything else he could take. Jim broke the kiss just enough that his lips feathered against Spock's.

"Hurry." Jim said. "Please hurry, Spock. I need you. I need you so bad." Jim whispered against Spock's lips. The water stopped cascading all around them. Spock picked up Jim, Jim wrapping his legs around Spock's waist as he did so, and carried Jim to his room. The room was warm, almost as warm as the steamy bathroom. Jim rubbed his naked and wet body against Spock's as Spock laid him down upon his bed and searched the nightstand with his free arm. Spock found what he was looking for and popped the cap of the bottle with his thumb. "Hurry." Jim moaned into Spock's ear and then licked it.

Slow lovemaking would come later. But right now it was about Jim and wanting to make sure he was alive, that they both were. It was about feeling Jim, feeling Jim and everything that was Jim all around him. Jim lowered his legs from Spock's waist to the bed. He watched with wide blue eyes as Spock took off his wet shirts and flung them to the floor. Spock moved off the bed and made quick work taking off his wet boots and pants. Almost instantly, he was back on the bed, and pressed on top of Jim. Jim pulled Spock down into a kiss by placing his hand on the back of Spock's head. They kissed and rubbed their hard cocks against one another. Spock's body was like a furnace on top of Jim's skin and he loved it. Spock pulled away, leaving Jim's lips red and swollen and sat up on his knees in between Jim's thighs. He grabbed the bottle and poured a thick clear liquid onto his erect cock. Jim's blue eyes watched as the liquid poured onto Spock's hard shaft. Jim licked his lips, watching each movement of Spock's hand as it stroked and spread the liquid around his length.

"Please...please, Spock." Jim said and it sounded like a sob. There was one second; one second of hesitation and then Spock struck him like lightening.

Spock held nothing back as he pumped his huge cock, hard and deep into his lover. With every move, every thrust inside, his cock would hit that spot deep inside of Jim. Their faces moved close as Spock tried to capture Jim's lips with his own. Every time Spock would thrust forward, those delectable lips would move further away. Jim was panting, moaning against Spock's cheek before Spock claimed Jim's lips with his own. They kissed desperately, the vibrations from their shared moans filling each other's mouths. Spock reached down in between their bodies and wrapped his hand around Jim's swollen cock. This sent a long reverberating moan into Spock's mouth. Spock stroked the length of Jim's shaft in tandem with his deep thrusts. Jim gently broke away from Spock's mouth to rest his head against Spock's shoulder.

"Spock! Spock!" Jim cried out, tilting his head back and onto Spock's pillow.

With such tenderness in contrast to the intensity he was fucking Jim, Spock looked down and said, "I've got you and I'm not letting go. Never again. Never again will I leave you my love. Never will I leave you behind, Jim."

Jim wanted to convey what he was feeling. Each time he opened his mouth, all he could manage was a praise to Spock's name. "Spock...I...I...love...I love..." Jim's body tensed all over like a coil. Jim shuddered, his back arching high off the bed, and released with a shout into Spock's stroking hand.

Jim wanted more. He wanted Spock, all of Spock in every way possible. Jim clenched the muscles wrapped around Spock's cock as hard as he could, making Spock's rhythmic thrusts turn erratic. Jim's name drawled from Spock's lips as his hot release filled Jim's body.

"Spock." Jim whispered, straightening up onto his elbows and looking into Spock's eyes. A thumb caressed Jim's cheek and Spock leaned his forehead against his. "I love you Spock." Jim whispered.

"And I love you." Spock replied.

"Let's move to my quarters. I've gotten your bed all wet and sticky." Jim said with a smile. Spock nodded and climbed off of Jim. Jim went to the bathroom, Spock following behind and moistened a wash cloth to wipe off the evidence of their love making from Spock's stomach. Jim was all smiles as he threw the cloth into the sink and entered his quarters. Hopping into bed, he pulled back the covers of and looked at Spock.

"Come here." Jim said moving over and making room for Spock to get in. Spock settled in next to Jim and Jim immediately snuggled up against him. Jim laid his head on his chest and Spock wrapped his arms around him. Jim let out a contented hum before closing his eyes and drifting off to sleep.

* * *

><p><strong>-Beginning-<strong>

The next morning, Jim found himself sleeping on his side and being spooned by Spock. He shifted and felt Spock's erection pressing against his ass. Jim arched and pressed his backside deeper against it. A possessive hand claimed Jim's hip and Spock started to grind against him. Jim turned around, scooting close so that his cock was flush against Spock's. Jim leaned into him and kissed him. Unlike last night, the kiss was a slow and sensual.

Spock sounded so sexy, moaning into Jim's mouth while he grinded against him. Jim reached down and took both of their hard cocks into his hand and squeezed. Spock's moan became a growl into Jim's mouth and Jim concluded that he loved that sound. They parted lips when Spock gasped in pleasure from Jim jerking them both off with his hand. Spock grabbed Jim and rolled onto his back, rolling Jim on top of him.

"I want you to feel me like I have felt you." Spock said and noticed something change in those blue eyes. He saw that look, knew that look. For it was the same hungry look he had when he descended upon Jim in the shower.

"Are you sure?" Jim asked cautiously.

Spock twisted his body so that he could open and reach into Jim's nightstand. He paused and moaned as he felt Jim's hot tongue trail up the taut muscles of his stretched arm. With lube in hand, he gave it to Jim who opened it promptly to spread it on his fingers.

"Yes Jim, I'm sure. I want you. I've always wanted you. I've fantasized about having you this way and being yours this way." Spock confessed and watched as Jim moved lower and lower down his body until Jim's face was level with his cock.

"Is that so?"Jim questioned with a grin. Before Spock could answer, his hard cock was sheathed into Jim's hot mouth. With Jim's lips on his cock, tongue licking and pressing on his shaft, Spock closed his eyes and felt lube slick fingers press against his opening.

* * *

><p><strong>-Presentation-<strong>

To say Spock was more than late for his own shift was an understatement. After the weeks of hell, no one dared called him out on it and wasn't going to. As a result, when he stepped onto the bridge from the turbolift, no one made eye contact to avoid becoming a target. Spock made his way to the Captain's chair but did not sit. Instead he stood beside it.

"I believe this is yours, Captain Kirk." He said, voice leveled with his hands behind his back.

In unison, everyone turned their heads towards the chair and gasped collectively. Jim grinned, looked around the room and said, "Anyone miss me?"

"You're damned right we did!" A grumpy voice said from behind. He didn't bother turning, knowing exactly who it was. One by one, everyone exited their chairs and dashed to hug Jim. It turned into a big group hug and Jim couldn't help but laugh.

"All right everyone, get back to work." Jim said with a smile.

The bridge crew was all smiles as they parted from the Captain, some of them with tears in their eyes. Now that the area was clear, Jim made his way to his chair. He sat down into slowly, in awe as if he was sitting into it for the first time. His hands glided over the arms and he closed his eyes. He felt the lightest of touches against his cheek and opened his eyes to see Spock looking down at him. Jim's eyes followed his First Officer as he made his way to the science station and sat down. This felt right. Everything felt right and he was glad to be back. Leaning back in his chair, he said, "Care to fill me in on our current mission, Commander?"

"Why yes, Captain." Spock said from behind.

**The END**

* * *

><p>AN: I've seen stories like this but they always ended sad. I wanted a happy ending so I wrote one.


End file.
